Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Another day, another engagement, another cat
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
