I got chris browned last night
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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