dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Randomize
