I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
