I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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