Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
