I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
