Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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