I want you more than these girls want KFC
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
