Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
