last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
