did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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