my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
