It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
