If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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