i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
