My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
