Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you