even my farts smell like vagina
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sex on roller skates
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.