so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
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Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
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all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list