someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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