You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
