I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
