I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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