I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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