I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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