I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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