We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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