i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
