I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
