I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
