Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
