the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
