its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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