My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
