i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
