remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
