I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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