omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
