can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
