can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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