I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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