I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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