I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
