A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
