Need sex. Gaining weight.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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