last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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