If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
