Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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