the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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