somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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