WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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