Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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