Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
