So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
