Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
