Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
